Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place. „It´s just too hot to wear clothes today,“ complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. „Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?“
Customer: „I´ll have a hamburger, please.“
Waiter: „With pleasure.“
Customer: „No, with pickles and onions.“
An Arabian guy at the aeroport: Name? Ahmed al-Rhazib. Sex? Three to five times a week. No, no… I mean male or female? Male, female, sometimes camel. Holy cow! Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general. But isn’t that hostile? Horse style, doggy style, any style! Oh dear! No, no! Deer run too fast.
City lady: „Have you ever had any accidents?“
Cowboy: „No, Ma´ am. Mind you, I was once kicked by a horse and bitten by a snake.“
City lady: „Good heavens! Don´t you call those accidents?“
Cowboy: „No, Ma´ am.They dit it on purpsose.“
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings which were on display at that time. „I have good news and bad news,“ the owner replied. „Okay. Let´s hear it,“ responded the artist. „Well, the good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.“ „That´s wonderful,“ the artist exclaimed. „What´s the bad news?“ „The guy said he was your doctor.“
„Doctor, what shall I do? My husband talks in his sleep every night…“ „Just give him the opportunity to talk during the day!“
Waiter: „Would you like your coffe black?“
Diner: „What other colours you have?“
Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands. The first says, „My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren´t mine!“ The second says, „My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!“ The third woman fainted.
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, „I´ve lost my dad!“ The policeman said, „What´s he like?“ Little Johnny replied, „Beer and women!“
During the first year of marriage, the husband speaks and the wife hears. During the second year, the wife speaks and the husband hears. During the third year both of them speak, but only the neighbours hear.
Americký film: „How do you do?“ „All right!“ V pozadi amatérský překlad: „Jak si to děláš?“ „Vždycky pravačkou!“
The top six reasons computers must be female: 6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner. 5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic. 4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference. 3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 2. The message „Bad Command or File Name“ is about as informative as „If you don´t know why I´m mad at you, then I´m certainly not going to tell you“. AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE: As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.
Teacher (on the telephone): „So you say John is too ill to come to scholl?“
Voice at the other end: „That´s right.“
Teacher: „Who am I talking to?“
Voice at the other end: „This is my father.“
Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self-pitying. She moaned to her mom and brother, „Nobody loves me … the whole world hates me!“ Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: „That´s not true, Mary. Some people don´t even know you.“
Yesterday I bought a cuckoo clock at an Army Navy store. Last night at 10, the bird chirped 2,200 times.
A byte comes to the bar and says: „One big scotch, please.“ Barman asks: „What´s the matter with you?“ Byte: „You know…parity error…“ Barman: „Yeah, I thought you looked a bit off…“
Teacher: „I hope I didn´t see you looking at someone else´s exam paper, Wilie.“
Willie: „So do I, Miss.“