In the Sovetski Svaz two men meet in a prison. One asks: – How many years did they give you? – Five years. – What did you do? – Nothing! – You lying fu*king dog! For nothing, the Soviet Authorities give ten years!
Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill every day at 5 am? She wants to make sure that she is the first lady.
„You can`t sleep in class.“
„No, but if you didn`t talk so loudly I could.“
Knock Knock Knock. Who is there? Mary. Mary who? Mary christmas.
Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place. „It´s just too hot to wear clothes today,“ complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. „Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?“
Customer: „I´ll have a hamburger, please.“
Waiter: „With pleasure.“
Customer: „No, with pickles and onions.“
An Arabian guy at the aeroport: Name? Ahmed al-Rhazib. Sex? Three to five times a week. No, no… I mean male or female? Male, female, sometimes camel. Holy cow! Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general. But isn’t that hostile? Horse style, doggy style, any style! Oh dear! No, no! Deer run too fast.
City lady: „Have you ever had any accidents?“
Cowboy: „No, Ma´ am. Mind you, I was once kicked by a horse and bitten by a snake.“
City lady: „Good heavens! Don´t you call those accidents?“
Cowboy: „No, Ma´ am.They dit it on purpsose.“
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings which were on display at that time. „I have good news and bad news,“ the owner replied. „Okay. Let´s hear it,“ responded the artist. „Well, the good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.“ „That´s wonderful,“ the artist exclaimed. „What´s the bad news?“ „The guy said he was your doctor.“
„Doctor, what shall I do? My husband talks in his sleep every night…“ „Just give him the opportunity to talk during the day!“
Waiter: „Would you like your coffe black?“
Diner: „What other colours you have?“
Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands. The first says, „My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren´t mine!“ The second says, „My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!“ The third woman fainted.
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, „I´ve lost my dad!“ The policeman said, „What´s he like?“ Little Johnny replied, „Beer and women!“
During the first year of marriage, the husband speaks and the wife hears. During the second year, the wife speaks and the husband hears. During the third year both of them speak, but only the neighbours hear.
Americký film: „How do you do?“ „All right!“ V pozadi amatérský překlad: „Jak si to děláš?“ „Vždycky pravačkou!“